Have I ever told you how much I love Italian movies? Oh, I have? Well guess what, dear reader? Sit on down and let me tell you of the four movies that I will have you watch this week at the drive-in.
Grab a slice of the famous Toluna Pizza, crack open a bottle of J&B and get ready for some magic!
MOVIE 1: Nightmare Beach (Umberto Lenzi, 1989): Diablo, the leader of the Demons motorcycle club, may or not be back from the dead. What is definitely sure is that teenagers just trying to spread veneral disease in the pre-cornoavirus days when you could crowd Florida’s beachs are up against a motorcycle riding maniac who has an electric chair on the back of his bike. Run on sentence much? I can’t help it. This movie makes me lose my mind, between John Saxon as a bad cop, a Claudio Simonetti score and a scene where electrified headphones send a biker girl’s eyeball shooting right at the camera. This movie is complete junk in the best of ways, a late model slasher with a giallo soul and neon hues.
MOVIE 2: The Sect (Michele Soavi, 1991): In a more perfect world, Michele Soavi would have made horror movies after the 1990’s. Instead, we’re left with a pack of astounding films that hint at so much promise yet to be unleashed. Jamie Lee’s sister stars in this movie that includes a Jesus looking man killing hippies, an evil version of the Shroud of Turin, Herbert Lom being a maniac, a bird-like Satan that makes love to our heroine, gateways to hell and a rabbit so smart that he can use a remote control.
MOVIE 3: Warriors of the Wasteland (Enzo G. Castellari, 1984): I’ve watched so many end of the world movies, so many that I feel that I am a qualified expert on the genre. And let me tell you, no post-apocalyptic film holds a candle to this all-star Italian nukefest. Giancarlo Prete is Scorpion. Fred Williamson is Nadir. Bob — Giovanni Frezza — shows up. Anna Kanakis — who is also in another pasta apoclyptic film 2019: After the Fall of New York — is Alma. Bringing them all together is an absolutely berserk George Eastman as One, the leader of a homosexual army devoted to killing Christians searching for God in the wasteland. Castellari made this and his two Bronx films all in six months. If I ever had my own Oscars, he’d be winning a lifetime achievement award while a tearful Mark Gregory cheers him from the cheap seats.
MOVIE 4: Rats: The Night of Terror (Bruno Mattei and Claudio Fragasso, 1984): Two absolute maniacs throw live rats at people and set most of the set of Once Upon a Time in America on fire. Yes, this is a movie that is at once a post-apocalyptic film and a slasher while also being unafraid to have a completely batshit ending that still makes me laugh years after I saw it for the first time. It also has a scene with Geretta Geretta getting covered with powder and screaming that she’s now white, as well as another where rats eat their way through a girl in a sleeping bag. This is the highest quality street junk that I can sell you and you better be ready to shoot it into your eye.
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